5/15/08 -- Collecting ain't always easy. It's one of the least fun parts of the biz. Fortunately for the Wynn Hotels, they have the Nevada State Prosecutor as muscle. Me? I've got to rely on myself. F'rinstance --
My local pediatric dentist was into me for $3,500 (the Giants? Won the Super Bowl?? That's STILL killin' people.) Then when I went to collect, Dr. Welch Dentist tells me it'll be a couple of weeks. Well, after some snooping, I find out Dr. Welch Dentist owes money all around town. And how does Dr. Welch Dentist plan on covering? Bogus cavities for kids. Everytime a kid walks in for a check-up, they walk out with three new fillings and Mom and Dad are a grand lighter. And how do I know? I take my kids' X-rays, plus some Mommy and Me friends lend me their kids' X-rays and I take them to anothe dentist. Result? Bogus cavities.
So Bookie Mom pays a visit to Dr. Welch Dentist, X-rays in one hand, a cell phone in the other, pre-dialed to the authorities. (Who's gonna get in more trouble - a loving stay-at-home mom who's being called a bookie or a kiddie dentist filling fake cavities?) How does this story end? Free check-ups for life and the Wii that was supposed to be in Dr. Welch Dentist's waiting room. (Hopefully the next person who owes has an unopened "Guitar Hero"!)
Happy Thursday:)
5/14/08 -- Okay, gang, to all of you out there who thinks this thing is just overblown, that the Patriots didn't really cheat, I've got a TEST for you. Run all these excuses and stuff by the wife. Example:
Next time you stumble through the front door smelling of Crown Royale and Lady Stetson, only to find your wife waiting up wearing a house coat and a scowl, look her weavy-straight in the eye and tell her "Hon, I misinterpreted the rules..." Yeah, drop me an e-mail from the couch, let me know how that worked for you.
Or how 'bout when your secret "in case of emergency" credit card falls out of your pocket, right in front of your better half. Try Tom Brady's "Let's just all move on..." line, and watch how fast she moves on, WITH your card, out the door and straight to Nordstrom's. Yep, she's gonna move on, all right... in a pair of $400 Steve Madden strappy Gladiator shoes, purchased with YOUR "in case of emergency" card.
And maybe bust out owner Robert Kraft's gem of an excuse when your wife finds "Internet Vixxxens" on your iPhone -- "I had no knowledge that this was going on."
Yeah... maybe it's NOT cheating... But it sure does stink!
Happy Hump Day:)
5/11/08 -- Yep, that's right! To all my regulars out there, if your wife wants a little Mothers' Day Action, or maybe your Mom wants to lay down some action for old time's sake, have 'em give me a shout. 'Cause today, all bets placed by Mom won't get stuck with the Vig! They can take that 10 percent buy some shoes, maybe work in a little spa day... or maybe SPOIL themselves by rolling it all on the Lakers to cover (+4.5) over Utah.
Come on, we all know Kobe knows how to treat the Moms. Remember the rock he stuck on the finger of the mother of his children? Sure, it didn't happen on Mothers' Day (it happened around "Kobe beats the charges in Colorado" day). But he sure did a solid for Moms with that move... and I'm thinkin' he'll do a solid for Moms again today!
Happy Mothers' Day:)
5/7/08 -- I'd like to thankthe Celtics and Cavaliers for putting my kids (and me, for that matter) to sleep last night! Damn, who needs "Goodnight, Moon" when LeBron's going 2 for 18, Paul Pierce 2 for 14 and Ray Allen treats us to a Gigantic Goose Egg?!? If KG weren't putting up some numbers, I'd have sworn we were watching "The D League". Yawn-Yawn-Snooze! After the chippiness of the Cleveland/Washington series, I was hoping for some fireworks -- instead we got "Zzzzzzzzzz.....s". Oh well, the good news is I know when Game 2 rolls around, I won't have to read to my kids. They'll be night-night by half-time.
Oh, and a quick COMMENT ON WORLD NEWS -- if the crazy cost of gasoline is altering your life, become a Milwaukee Brewer fan... 'cause with that Gas Can Eric Gagne ending games, you can probably linger around the field post-blown save and get you some -- Gas, that is!
Happy Hump Day:)
5/6/08 -- Hiya, Sports Fans. Sorry I've been gone, but my 4 year-old Stacy brought me home a present from Pre-School Friday -- stomach flu! Yep, I know what you're thinking - "tasty".
So while laid up trying not to laugh as my husband cared for the girls, I got to lock in for Cardinals - Cubs rubber match on Sunday Night Baseball. And what stood out? A cranky grump of Joe Morgan belittling the Japanese baseball players for even THINKING they're as good as our Major Leaguers. And just as his rant on the Yellow Menace that is Japanese baseball (or, compared to U.S., triple-A) ended, Peter Gammons told the story of former Cardinal G.M. Walt Jocketty recently ending up as G.M. in Cincinnati. A topical story, a behind-the-scenes nugget Peter's known for... until he turned the phrase "...exiled to Cincinnati."
Whew! I thought Joe Morgan was gonna bust out his old back arm flap and take it upside Peter's head! Joe took the stance of a former Big Red Machine-er and explaind Cincinnati is a fine place, not a destination for exile. Peter professionally demurred and let Joe have his former city's back. Cincinnati is a fine place for baseball... just ask Junior.
Happy Tuesday:)
5/2/08 -- Okay, folks, tomorrow is the horse race EVERYONE pays attention to... not just those of us hoping to make a dime:) But this city is more than just a once-a-year stop on the sports scene -- they have families, schools... and a problem keeping their young'uns home. See, some of the clueless kids want to head West... or South... or anywhere else that just sucks the life out of puny dreamers destined to be disappointed... Well, after checking out a couple of those clips, I know how to get my daughters NOT to move to Louisville.
But if you do cruise through that little gem of a pond, make sure you know how to pronounce it -- LOUGHH-ville.
Happy Friday:)
4/28/08 -- Well, THIS certainly puts "betting" in an ugly light -- the captain of the minor league hockey team Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins was arrested for streaking in Scranton. So he was drunk and naked -- so what? The REAL problem is, he did it on a DUMB BET! Thanks, Nathan... way to make friendly betting look bad!
Happy Tuesday:)
4/25/08 -- Okay, I KNOW I don't have to tell you there's a draft tomorrow (no, young'uns, not THAT kind of draft -- we're stop-lossing). No, tomorrow's the N.F.L. Draft! And I can't WAIT! I can't wait to see who gets Chris Long's hyper-charged "motor" I keep hearing about (Bionic heart? Hm.) Or who gets Glenn Dorsey's Gumbo Gut. Heck, I don't know who wants to see where these Lottery Picks go more, the fans or the Denali Dealers.
But the bummer about the draft is, it peter's out... with some 12th round long snapper from Idaho who finds out when his Ma brands the family messenger bull with the news "you've been drafted." So I suggest we end the Draft with a bang --
Steel Cage Death Match! Mel Kiper Jr. vs. Todd McShay! Old school vs. Nu Skool! They can beat on each other with 40 times and Dragon kicks, Wonderlic tests and the Triton Eye Gouge. It would be HUGE! Seriously, at the end of the draft, what would you rather watch, Octagon Death Match...? Or Bowling?
Happy Friday:)
4/24/08 -- Oh, sure, Chris Paul is the darling of the N.B.A. Playoffs so far... but THIS Mom loves the gawky, storky, foreign-exchange kid missing an "L" from his name? Yep, Pau Gasol! He escapes the backwater of mediocrity and sinking career in Memphis only to land in La-La Land for a chance to resurrect his career! And while it was a steal of a deal that brought him to the Lakers, to reclaim his All-Star status, even achieve Rock Star Status by coming to Hollywood... well, it's not unprecedented! What's the precedent, you ask? I have one word --
While languishing in Army green and bad Technicolor movies, Elvis' career was tanking! Then in 1968 he hits Hollywood, decks out in fashion-forward Black Leather, reveals himself (preceding the media approved "reveal yourself" career resurrecting move by twenty years) and BOOM -- he's the King!
So sure, it's early in the Playoffs. But if he can help bring Los Angeles a title (and stay away from toilets while on a Big Pharma approved bender), Pau Gasol could very well become -- King Pau!
Happy Thursday:)
4/18/08 -- Do NOT be surprised if N.B.A. Commissioner outdoes himself this year. Last year he only tinkered with the playoffs by giving the Suns' Amarie Stoudamaire some rest time for "leaving the bench". (Yawn!)
THIS year at a Playoffs press conference you just KNOW Stern is going to bust out the Time Machine he's been working on. He'll whip back the curtain of his Time Machine and through the requisite smoke ('cause any believable Time Machine HAS to have smoke, right?) will step Magic Johnson, circa 1988 - full head of hair, 50 pounds lighter and a Lothario's smile. And right next to him, with bushy blond hair, a peach-fuzzed upper lip and French Lick accent, is Larry Bird! Purple and Gold 32 next to Celtic Green 33, their short shorts unable to conceal their swagger! "We got next", indeed!
Man... this is gonna be GREAT!
Happy Friday:)
4/17/08 -- Bad news out of Major League Baseball -- and Steroids is the culprit! Look, you know I don't really have a big problem with Steroids... if a macho pro athlete has no problem growing breasts or shrinking his package, neither do I. But now... I'm a little FREAKED OUT! Because it looks like Steroids have a NEW, nasty side effect --
It makes you GROW OLDER FASTER! A big thanks to Miguel Tejada, the formerly 31 year-old, now 33 year-old Astro Shortstop who came clean to spread the word. Look, we all may have our bad days... but I'm not itching to knock two to three years off my life.
And think about the kids? The last thing you need is your sweet little teeny-bopper 'roiding up just so he can buy a twelver of Old Style - Legally! Plus, the quicker they get older, the quicker they'll get drafted (... it's coming).
So please, spread the word... STEROIDS CAN KILL YOU... of Old Age!
Happy Thursday:)
4/15/08 -- Seriously, he didn't win the Masters?? Oh, and Happy Tax Day!
4/12/08 -- Yeah, sure it's nice to cheer on the new blood, but to keep the money flowing Tiger needs to step it up. 'Cause it's kinda hard to win the GRAND SLAM when you don't win the MASTERS!
Happy Saturday Night:)
4/10/08 -- You mean... God?? No -- Albert!
Not sure what Brandon Backe was doing last year when he was on the D.L. - Sudoko? 'Cause it's really not a good idea to get on the bad side of someone who did THIS to you:
You know, I told my 4 year-old Stacy during T-Ball if she didn't touch home plate, she isn't coming home! Good Listener that she is, she jammed home plate and spiked the Coach for the other team in the process. So take a lesson from Albert and Stacy -- if you're at home plate, you're Fair Game!
Hockey Play-Offs are under way!!!
Happy Thursday:)
4/8/08 -- Ouch! Glad I wasn't sitting courtside or one of Chris Douglas-Roberts' free throws might have clanked off and hit me in the eye. Sometimes, as a parent, you need ammunition to convince your kid to do something they don't want to do. Eat vegetables, poop in the toilet... practice your free throws! Well, thanks to Memphis losing the title because of weak free throw shooting, I can remind my babies... "Sure, you don't have to practice free throws... or poop in the toilet.. if you want to be a LOSER!"
Happy Tuesday:)
4/5/08 -- A big CONGRATS to the Final Four schools this year! What a great pool of talent. And it doesn't hurt to say the action on tonight's games is oustanding! With all the money flowing my way, there's a good chance my 4 year-old Stacy is gonna get her Pony after all!
But compared to the loot the Coaches are going to make this weekend, my money is just a knick of lint on the shoulder of Roy Williams' $2,000 "Tar Heel" blue sport jacket he's gonna wear tonight. Each coach is gonna earn at least an extra hundred grand just for coaching tonight! Not to mention the dough flowing to the schools, the millions gobbled up by CBS and the treasure reaped by the N.C.A.A. Fat Cats. Yep, good basketball and REAL good money all around.
Oh, and the Student Athletes...? The guys out there hustling, diving into the stands, taking charges and eating elbows...? Maybe they'll get to call home.
Happy Saturday:)
4/1/08 -- Bookie Mom REJECTS offers from ESPN, Fox Sports and the Milwaukee Brewers. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act (something necessary if you ever want a straight answer from the World Wide Leader...) I can reveal ESPN offered me a job as contributing editor. They wanted to pair me up with Buster Olney, hoping a little bit of personality might rub off on him, 'cause info ain't much without a little "sizzle!"
And Fox Sports was so desperate to replace Jeannie "The Snoozer" Zelasko, they had Joe Buck try and bribe me with a date with my favorite childhood player - St. Louis Cardinal catcher Ted Simmons! Sadly, I couldn't get the date if I didn't take the job... which was a total bummer 'cause I lined up my husband to watch the kids.
And finally, I politely turned down the Milwaukee Brewers offer to replace their torched $10 million closer Eric Gagne... a tough offer to turn down since the abovie mentioned Ted Simmons is now the Brewers bench coach! (MAN, he's still hot!)
Any-who, THIS Bookie Mom likes her life just the way it is... lots of sports, lots of family time... and lots and lots of "vig"!
Happy Tuesday:)
Opening Day! Yea...! Oh, and Davidson Tanks.
4-1-08 -- Looks like YOU TUBE doesn't WANT you to see what Bookie Mom has to say!
3/28/08 - You know, sometimes, when you're talking to your little one, trying to convince them "they can do it", you don't have much luck. So I guess that's why Watty Piper wrote it, so kids could understand it IS possible to overcome the odds!
Well, my 4 year-old Stacy couldn't much relate to a Choo-Choo Train. And, really, who could. How often do you ride a train? Thought so. Which brings me to -- Stephen Curry. The average sized, gutty little guy who puts a whole team on his back and, in the glare of a national spotlight, takes down Gonzaga and Georgetown. Now THAT'S a story my daughter can "get".
3/25/08 (addendum-dum-dum-dum-dum) -- This caught my eye -- Good news for Kansas State Wildcat fans, 'cause it looks like their Coach is playing with a full deck! To quote my 4 year-old Stacy... "Duh!!!"
March Madness, my busy season!
3/25/08 -- 'Morning, Friends. Hope everyone had a Happy Easter (unlike Roy Hibbert... 1 rebound!?! My daugthers would scream "bloody murder" if they only found 1 Easter Egg). The Bookie Mom family had a nice Easter -- heck, it would've been perfect if it weren't for the three guys who took the Davidson money line.
And that's why I've been M.I.A. Opening weekend is my busy season, so it was either work enough action to pay for preschool, Disneyland and 3 mortgage payments... or blog. Hm.
Oh, and this proud mama's going to brag on her kid -- my 4 year-old, Stacy, picked Villanova to win two games! Sure, she can't pronounce it, but that didn't stop you from picking Gonzaga, did it? Huh, and where are the 'Zags now?? :)
And happy Opening Day -- in Japan!?! What the hell is THAT all about?? Now when I call someone in Asia to help me program my TiVo, not only won't I be able to understand them, but they'll be too DISTRACTED to help me 'cause they'll be too busy watching MY American Baseball teams!! If I were a guy, I'd say something like "outsource this!" Anyway...
Happy Tuesday:)
"Chalk Picks for Dummies" from a 4 year-old!
3/20/08 -- Hey, how many folks really get in on this today?? Try 27% of the ENTIRE WORKFORCE paying more attention to the Madness than their job. So when you ask the Home Depot dude wearing ear buds "Where's your brackets?" and he answers, tickedoff, "Already in the toilet, thanks to Xavier!"... slowly walk away and put off your home repair until Monday, when all the damage has been digested.
Talk to you later --
3/19/08 -- Alright, Kiddos, time to get serious! Time to separate the men from the boys, the Moms from the kids, your finger from your nose... it's time to quit talking about picking Pitt and man-ing up and PICKING Pitt -- seriously, who's man enough to do that?
BRACKETOLOGY by BOOKIE MOM -- BRACKET PICKER'S WORST NIGHTMARE!!
Happy Wednesday:)
3/17/08 -- Hear that sound? It's the sound of Bubbles bursting! The sound of failure... shame... the N.I.T.
3/13/08 -- Hot on the heels of signing world famous funny man, Billy Crystal, the Yankees make a BIGGER splash by signing world famous fruit -- a Cantaloupe!
3/13/08 -- Today, the New York Yankees bring in -- Billy Crystal! Good move! Nothing stokes the media fire like a guest appearance by a comedian most famous during the FIRST Bush Administration! Really, unless he breaks out some Harlem Globetrotters-type water trick, this exercise in attention is, well, dorky.
And the "dorker" award goes to Brian Cashman. Way to enhance your "gravitas" by signing a City Slicker. Seriously, ask Brian what he was doing when Meg Ryan faked a "hoo-hoo" in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY... grooming his peach fuzz for the 8th Grade Dance??
March Madness, baby! Gettin' close!
Happy Thursday:)
3/11/08 -- Wow! Looks like the West Coast Conference lost the empty calories/hype of Gonzaga last night, thanks to a serious dose of San Diego Toreros. Hey, what is a Torero?
Oh. Well, anyway, just an appetizer (or should I say "tapas"?) on the way to the main course -- March Madness!
Gotta run, goin' on a "bubble-free" diet of favorites!
Happy Tuesday:)
3/10/08 -- Come on, who doesn't secretly video tape? You think a caring, loving mother would have caught this without videotaping?
What is the big deal!?! Some former Patriots employee "might" have incriminating video tape. Big Whoop! Unless it's Eva Longoria in green light no one cares! Quarterbacks have radios in their helmets, players drink electrolyte-addled "energy" drinks and Gene Upshaw, head of the Players Union, makes $86.7 million a year! (Okay, that has nothing to do with technology, but it sure seems with that kind of salary, he's cheating someone!)
Anyway, we have the technology -- use it!
Happy Monday:)
3/8/08 (later) -- Even while recovering, the legend John Wooden looks out for his Bruins! While scouting the other T-Ball teams in my daughter's league (What, you think betting on toddler T-Ball is off limits? What happy juice box have YOU been drinking from.) I heard screaming. So I ran into a house full of young lads... by the way, is it just me, or do 25 year-old guys look better these days than they did ten years ago...??
Oh, anyway, UCLA!!! They beat Cal with a HORSE shot! And how'd they get the ball back?? HACK! But seems the Ref was hungry and swallowed his whistle! Anyway, crazy game! I can't WAIT until March Madness... maybe I'll watch it with some of my new "buds"...
Happy Saturday:)
3/8/08 -- Gotta run, my 4 year-old starts T-ball today. She's number 1 for the Mets... let's just hope she can channel the original number 1 - Mookie Wilson - and bring Mookie's game and attitude to the team. And, of course, I'll be on the look-out for whoever has Lenny Dykstra's number... sparkplug indeed.
Big day -- North Carolina going into Duke. Louisville into Georgetown... we're almost there!
Happy Saturday:)
3/7/08 -- Hey, who hasn't been there? Stuck in a job sticking it to you, coaching a bunch of babies who won't listen to you, mother of a child who drinks out of the toilet? Who DOESN'T want to run away???
But what do regular folks like us do -- SUCK IT UP! What kind of message does that send when Pat Riley takes some time off for "scouting"... what's he scouting, Nikki's Beach Club? And Bobby Knight just strolls off with a bunch of Kelly's Auto Cash in his polysester coach's shorts?
There's a lesson there -- good things NEVER happen to quitters! Just look what happened to a once-famous TV actor who QUIT the show E.R. --
Oh. Oh, well. Happy Friday:)
3/6/08 -- There's NOTHING more annoying than a kid asking "Why?" Like when I tell my 4 year-old not to climb in the toilet, I get "Why?" So I muster all my parental widsom into a tight little bark, "Because I said so!"
These days there are many of us who want to ask (in whiny, angry voices) WHY!? As in, "Hey, Phoenix, WHY did you trade youth and legs for a run-down Shaq Diesel?" Or "Dallas, WHY did you spend so much time and size on Jason Kidd?!?" Both teams have losing records since the trades, both teams traded away some future, and for what -- that awesome 5th seed in the West?!? And Houston -- they make NO trades, LOSE Yao for the season, and are off on a 16 game winning streak! It's like these G.M.'s have no clue, it's so crazy a 4 year-old could do it...
Hey... maybe I should have MY 4 year-old apply for what are sure to be G.M. openings after these dismal trades. But where is she? Oh, right... in the toilet.
Happy Thursday:)
3/5/08 -- Sure, it's easy to cry over the retirement of a certain fair(GREY)-haired QB who wears (wore?) number 4... but it takes a true "mutha" to fondly remember the ALSO recently retired "QB Killa", number 99, the "Mouth from the South", my precious munchkin, Warren Sapp. So while all of you "luxury box" losers weep over the loss of your "skill position" guy, I'm gonna give my Mommy shout-out to the MAN who played the game in the trenches, didn't have rules to protect him, and who showed the world how... "to get your hit on!" Because some boys... only a mother could love.
Happy Life, Warren Sapp. Love, Bookie Mom:)
3/3/08 -- Well, look who set the bar too high for the rest of us ladies. Our fair Debbie takes HGH to look hotter for her man (and... for the few million viewers of the SI Swimsuit Issue), she not only gets a boob job but shows it off at a party in a giddy little way... and to support her husband during a Congressional hearing -- she held a flower. Man, my husband's beyond excited when I sign us up for the CBS Sportsline Bonus coverage thingy... little does he know it's a business expense;)
So I know it's fun to think about "what would it be like to be a Major Leaguer and have a pretty young thing on my arm..." Well, at some point, you'd probably have to talk to her. Want to hear what that'd be like? It's like of like if your brain were a dog... and it just chases its tail.
2/29/08 -- Ahh... now that the NFL Combine is over, we can all bark about how frickin' smart WE are compared to these kids who never studied, can run 4.2 40's and will soon buy cars with rims more expensive than my van! Why?? Because of the WONDERLIC TEST!
Who doesn't remember Vince Young (allegedly) scoring a 6!?! Sure, he's a Rose Bowl MVP, National Champion, NFL starting QB, and he makes more money in a year than you and your whole bowling team will in your lifetimes... but even YOU could do better than 6, right? Trust me, you would -- my 4-year-old daughter, Stacy, scored an 11 and she thinks 2 + 2 = "purple". So go ahead, feel better about yourself -- you deserve it!
Now, since this whole Vince Young mess a couple of years ago, they keep the Wonderlic test results private. Good thing, now we can focus on the important stuff -- like how many illegitimate kids Darren McFadden has -- 3! Man, and he's not even a PRO yet!
COMING SOON to BOOKIEMOM.COM --The ILLEGITIMATE KID Pool!
Happy Extra Leap Year Day:)
N.B.A. Playoffs! (SUBTITLE "There's No Place Like Home!")
Boston (+3.5) vs. Cleveland
L.A. Lakers (+4.5) vs. Utah
Wonder why Kobe's expected to actually shoot tonight?
Over/Under number of times "A Game 7" is mentioned tonight (both games) -- 18.5
TIME OUT!
Bookie Mom gives a big TIME OUT to Freetown Youth Athletic League! Seems a mom, being responsible by working to feed her children, is such a bad use of her time that the League BENCHED HER CHILD!
Booooooooo!
*X/O Deadspin for the scoop:)
BOOKIE MOM'S DISH!
